Alice in Seoul
It's hard for me to decide exactly how I feel about Alice. I know that I like her a lot, but I just cannot figure out if I really love her with all my heart and that she is the one for me. Is it a bad sign that for the past few years of our relationship I am always thinking about breaking up with her? It is not that I want to break up with her in any real way or because there is someone else that I am interested in, but simply because it just does not feel 100% right. In so many ways we get along so well. Is it enough if it is 95% right even if that missing 5% may be the most important part?
What I want from her that she may never be able to give me:
- I want her to be more curious about me. While we get along great and have many things in common she does not really ask me about deeper things and I do not think she really understands the true, inner me. I have tried to ask her to do so, but it is not in her personality. She is a very private person herself, but I feel like I want to know about her and have worked to know her better than she knows me. I am fairly independent, but at times I feel alone and in the end like so many other people I want to feel like the person I am with understands me. I don't know if I feel that way with Alice.
- I want her to push me and challenge me. We are comfortable in our daily lives and in many ways we live the way that she wants us to live. I want someone who sees in me more potential than I see in myself and pushes me to realize that potential.
- I want her to be more adventurous in her own life. We are both risk averse and conservative, but she is more so. I guess going to Korea was adventurous in her job, but ironically she and I are both unhappy about it. I want more out of life, but I am content and comfortable when we are together and in our routine. If she were more adventurous in her life I think I would be more so in mine.
- I want her to be more sexual.
I have talked to her about all these things in the past five years that we have been dating, but I push and she does not budge. Eventually I think I just kind of gave up. She is who she is and she is immutable in certain ways. The person that she is is very special and unique. I just cannot be sure that it is right for me.
Her trip to Korea will give us some distance and a chance for me to think about our future. Either we will get engaged in the next year or we will break up.
It is a bit unfair to her because I think that she is content with our relationship and with me. She is ready to spend the rest of her life with me and she likes the life that we have together now and the life we are starting to create in the years to come. To be fair to her I will again mention these thoughts.
I am just not sure that the life that we are creating together is what I want...
What I want from her that she may never be able to give me:
- I want her to be more curious about me. While we get along great and have many things in common she does not really ask me about deeper things and I do not think she really understands the true, inner me. I have tried to ask her to do so, but it is not in her personality. She is a very private person herself, but I feel like I want to know about her and have worked to know her better than she knows me. I am fairly independent, but at times I feel alone and in the end like so many other people I want to feel like the person I am with understands me. I don't know if I feel that way with Alice.
- I want her to push me and challenge me. We are comfortable in our daily lives and in many ways we live the way that she wants us to live. I want someone who sees in me more potential than I see in myself and pushes me to realize that potential.
- I want her to be more adventurous in her own life. We are both risk averse and conservative, but she is more so. I guess going to Korea was adventurous in her job, but ironically she and I are both unhappy about it. I want more out of life, but I am content and comfortable when we are together and in our routine. If she were more adventurous in her life I think I would be more so in mine.
- I want her to be more sexual.
I have talked to her about all these things in the past five years that we have been dating, but I push and she does not budge. Eventually I think I just kind of gave up. She is who she is and she is immutable in certain ways. The person that she is is very special and unique. I just cannot be sure that it is right for me.
Her trip to Korea will give us some distance and a chance for me to think about our future. Either we will get engaged in the next year or we will break up.
It is a bit unfair to her because I think that she is content with our relationship and with me. She is ready to spend the rest of her life with me and she likes the life that we have together now and the life we are starting to create in the years to come. To be fair to her I will again mention these thoughts.
I am just not sure that the life that we are creating together is what I want...
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