Depression

I am really depressed. I don't know exactly why now although I have a theory that during times of my life when I have nothing to do I become more depressed. During my residency and during my chief residency I was always busy with things to do and so my mind was always occupied. My free time was valuable and there was always more things that I wanted to do than was available free time to do those things. Since Memorial Day when my chief year ended I have been in a major depression. I have no plans to do anything and I do not want to do anything. I have no motivation to exercise, read, meet with friends, etc. All I want to do is be alone and depressed. I am taking lexapro, but it only seems to help so much. I do not know what to do to get out of this depression. I am forcing myself to do things like exercise each day and make plans to meet with friends. Still, each day with no plans is sadly a wasted day.

On a similar note I have become something that I hoped never to become. That is someone who is only happy when they are working. I have not been working for many years or for that matter for many hours/week, but my life is dominated by my career such that now when I have free time I do not know what to do with myself. These next two weeks before the start of my fellowship should be a great opportunity to work out, read, write, and do whatever, but I find myself bored. All I do is watch T.V, watch sports and look for things to do. Part of this lack of motivation is my current depressed state, but there is more to it as well. Anyway, it is sort of sad and I will have to work hard to change it. How I am going to change it I am not sure, but I will try and set out a plan in another entry.