Who am I?

As a younger man I thought I had a vision of the kind of person that I wanted to be. It is difficult to articulate who that person was, but it was someone who was kind, open, generous, etc. It did not matter what my inherit personality was because I felt that I had the power to shape my own personality through the strength of my will. Now as a slightly, more life experienced young man I do not know who I am or who I want to be. I used to think I wanted to be a writer, but as I get older I am not sure if I want to be a writer or like the idea of being a writer. Perhaps all of this current introspection stems from that I just completed the goal of my medical education to this point: to be a great chief resident. Somewhere along the way choosing medicine became okay because I saw this goal of chief resident as something that I wanted to do and something that I wanted to do well. I was born to be a chief resident, but now it is over. It is a bit harder to begin cardiology fellowship when admittedly I do not plan to practice cardiology.

I must be honest with myself and admit that I am afraid of life. I choose cardiology as an easy way out. I am afraid to take chances. I am afraid to find out what I am really capable of accomplishing or what I love. I have many regrets even now as a young man. If I continue to live like this I can only imagine how I will feel when I am fifty or older. I wonder if some of this is part of my inherit mental wiring. I cannot change who I am at least in this internal sense. Others are wired differently and so accomplish more. I believe I have the talent and skills to succeed. I am just afraid to try. We will see if this gets better.