January 14th, 2007
Punes,
Today I begin a project that I have been thinking about for the past few weeks. An online diary where I hope to write an entry everyday about what I did, how I am feeling, and any ideas that I may have had that day. Part of the purpose is to help me with my mental well being. I think (I'm pretty sure that I am) clinically depressed and I am hoping that writing about it will somehow help. Also, by writing what I have done and not done it will motivate me to do more things. Lastly, I want to just write. Inside me I feel that there is a writer, but to date all I have done is think and talk about writing but have done no writing.
The hardest part for me is to be completely honest. Somehow to write how I really feel and think somehow scares me b/c it is so personal and then exposes to the outside world how I really feel. I want to start by making a commitment to brutal honesty.
Wow, even as I begin there are so many thoughts going through my head and I don't know where to begin. Let me start with a few things I want to get down and then continue tomorrow.
I am struggling with mental illness:
I know I am clinically depressed and it is hard just to get through each day. At times during the day I just feel down and sad. There is also an anxiety component. It does not help that for a while I was a habitual user of weed and now drink almost every day and depend on benzos to help me relax and fall asleep. I know part of it is seasonal and I have seasonal affective disorder, but this particular winter and this year have been the worst in many years. It seems to be a result of life stress (in general I am incredibly lucky and privileged, but I hate my job, am looking for a job, wedding) and that I recently stopped using weed regularly plus SAD. I just hope that it gets better in the next few months or I may need to seek professional help.
I feel so sad that I think about killing myself pretty much everyday.
Daily Goals:
1. Exercise.
2. Study a little cardiology.
3. Write in my journal.
What I did today:
Alice and I went to Chinatown for Shanghai soup dumplings, Szechuan string beans, and shredded beef with Jalapeno peppers. An awesome meal. We are seriously starting to plan our wedding and Alice is starting to feel the pressure and stress of the whole thing.
Spoke to my Mom and I love her so much. She is so good to me and overall I treat her well, but like always I am short with her and get angry so easily.
Enough for now. It feels good to do this. Let's see how long it lasts.
No studying today. Did exercise. Did write...
Today I begin a project that I have been thinking about for the past few weeks. An online diary where I hope to write an entry everyday about what I did, how I am feeling, and any ideas that I may have had that day. Part of the purpose is to help me with my mental well being. I think (I'm pretty sure that I am) clinically depressed and I am hoping that writing about it will somehow help. Also, by writing what I have done and not done it will motivate me to do more things. Lastly, I want to just write. Inside me I feel that there is a writer, but to date all I have done is think and talk about writing but have done no writing.
The hardest part for me is to be completely honest. Somehow to write how I really feel and think somehow scares me b/c it is so personal and then exposes to the outside world how I really feel. I want to start by making a commitment to brutal honesty.
Wow, even as I begin there are so many thoughts going through my head and I don't know where to begin. Let me start with a few things I want to get down and then continue tomorrow.
I am struggling with mental illness:
I know I am clinically depressed and it is hard just to get through each day. At times during the day I just feel down and sad. There is also an anxiety component. It does not help that for a while I was a habitual user of weed and now drink almost every day and depend on benzos to help me relax and fall asleep. I know part of it is seasonal and I have seasonal affective disorder, but this particular winter and this year have been the worst in many years. It seems to be a result of life stress (in general I am incredibly lucky and privileged, but I hate my job, am looking for a job, wedding) and that I recently stopped using weed regularly plus SAD. I just hope that it gets better in the next few months or I may need to seek professional help.
I feel so sad that I think about killing myself pretty much everyday.
Daily Goals:
1. Exercise.
2. Study a little cardiology.
3. Write in my journal.
What I did today:
Alice and I went to Chinatown for Shanghai soup dumplings, Szechuan string beans, and shredded beef with Jalapeno peppers. An awesome meal. We are seriously starting to plan our wedding and Alice is starting to feel the pressure and stress of the whole thing.
Spoke to my Mom and I love her so much. She is so good to me and overall I treat her well, but like always I am short with her and get angry so easily.
Enough for now. It feels good to do this. Let's see how long it lasts.
No studying today. Did exercise. Did write...
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