January 16th, 2007
Just re-read all my posts and kinda sad, but kinda true. It's funny that three years ago I talked about the same things when I was depressed - exercise, study cardiology, and write. I guess not much has changed over the past few years.
Before I forget, in past entries I talked about my feelings for Alice and some doubts. Now that we are engaged and planning our wedding I feel more sure about her than I ever have. A lot of what I said in the past has not changed that much, but over the past few years we have become so close, such good friends that I cannot imagine life without her. Especially now when I am so down and need her support so much she is there for me. That means a lot. We are life partners.
Yesterday we went to see another possible place for our wedding, (it still does not seem like a real event that is actually going to happen) Pleasantville Chateau and while it was incredibly nice and professional it did not feel right to me or Alice. Unfortunately, the first placed "Crossed Keys Inn," was not like by her parents b/c it was too "low key" and rural. Next weekend we have plans to see another place. Also pushed myself and went to the gym in the am. When we got back we watched 24 and as usual I got drunk and we went to bed soon after.
I just got back from my interview with Dr.Cary Hirsch and it was an unsettling experience. As I have done in the past, I mislead him and he was under the impression that I would be taking the position. Still, after a short discussion he understood about my reservations and persisted in trying to get me to take the job. I should be glad and take it as a compliment, but because of my current state of depression and anxiety I am not handling confrontation or stress very well at all. It is a great opportunity and as a reflection of my weakness of spirit and mind I am tempted to take the offer, but am afraid b/c I lack basic skills in echo and nuclear cardiology to do my job sufficiently. My emotions are so fragile. Last night I did not sleep well and had stressful dreams in a half-awake state. Earlier today I was elated when I got an email from a recruiter stating that I was the first choice of my first choice (a practice in Stamford; I am also scared of joining that practice b/c of my deficiencies in echo and nuclear) then became very anxious as I heard Dr.Hirsch speak as if I would be joining the practice and now just feel plain anxious.
It is 4:15 pm and I have no responsibilities for the rest of the day, but I do not know what to do with myself. What I want to do is start drinking right now and that strongly suggests to myself that I have serious mental illness (I have tried Lexapro recently, but it made me feel so much worse and so am afraid to try it again). What I should do is go to the gym, write the bicycle, and then come home and study cardiology for a few hours.
Again, today I feel so down and depressed. Again, today I want to kill myself, but no definite plan. I do not really want to die, but just do not want to feel the way that I feel now. Hopeless, anxious, afraid.
I am so pathetic. I have a pseudo-intellectual angst about existence. What is the purpose of my life and any life on this earth if we are just to die someday? What is the meaning of anything if that is the ultimate result? I want to believe in God, or a god or some supernatural force, but who created that being, and what came before that? How did this all begin? It is incredible that I can think, imagine, feel, see, hear, taste, but why and how? How can anyone live or act who has thought these type of thoughts? I am paralyzed by my own reason.
I am so sad and depressed...
Before I forget, in past entries I talked about my feelings for Alice and some doubts. Now that we are engaged and planning our wedding I feel more sure about her than I ever have. A lot of what I said in the past has not changed that much, but over the past few years we have become so close, such good friends that I cannot imagine life without her. Especially now when I am so down and need her support so much she is there for me. That means a lot. We are life partners.
Yesterday we went to see another possible place for our wedding, (it still does not seem like a real event that is actually going to happen) Pleasantville Chateau and while it was incredibly nice and professional it did not feel right to me or Alice. Unfortunately, the first placed "Crossed Keys Inn," was not like by her parents b/c it was too "low key" and rural. Next weekend we have plans to see another place. Also pushed myself and went to the gym in the am. When we got back we watched 24 and as usual I got drunk and we went to bed soon after.
I just got back from my interview with Dr.Cary Hirsch and it was an unsettling experience. As I have done in the past, I mislead him and he was under the impression that I would be taking the position. Still, after a short discussion he understood about my reservations and persisted in trying to get me to take the job. I should be glad and take it as a compliment, but because of my current state of depression and anxiety I am not handling confrontation or stress very well at all. It is a great opportunity and as a reflection of my weakness of spirit and mind I am tempted to take the offer, but am afraid b/c I lack basic skills in echo and nuclear cardiology to do my job sufficiently. My emotions are so fragile. Last night I did not sleep well and had stressful dreams in a half-awake state. Earlier today I was elated when I got an email from a recruiter stating that I was the first choice of my first choice (a practice in Stamford; I am also scared of joining that practice b/c of my deficiencies in echo and nuclear) then became very anxious as I heard Dr.Hirsch speak as if I would be joining the practice and now just feel plain anxious.
It is 4:15 pm and I have no responsibilities for the rest of the day, but I do not know what to do with myself. What I want to do is start drinking right now and that strongly suggests to myself that I have serious mental illness (I have tried Lexapro recently, but it made me feel so much worse and so am afraid to try it again). What I should do is go to the gym, write the bicycle, and then come home and study cardiology for a few hours.
Again, today I feel so down and depressed. Again, today I want to kill myself, but no definite plan. I do not really want to die, but just do not want to feel the way that I feel now. Hopeless, anxious, afraid.
I am so pathetic. I have a pseudo-intellectual angst about existence. What is the purpose of my life and any life on this earth if we are just to die someday? What is the meaning of anything if that is the ultimate result? I want to believe in God, or a god or some supernatural force, but who created that being, and what came before that? How did this all begin? It is incredible that I can think, imagine, feel, see, hear, taste, but why and how? How can anyone live or act who has thought these type of thoughts? I am paralyzed by my own reason.
I am so sad and depressed...
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