January 17th, 2007
Today I feel more sad and depressed than I have in recent days. I feel overwhelmed, anxious and unable to deal with life stress and even everyday life stress. Just like yesterday it takes very little confrontation or something to be uneasy to make me feel anxious and afraid. Today more than ever I want to kill myself. The scary part about it is that I am thinking about it more and more. I think I do need to seek help, but b/c I am a doctor I do not know how to go about getting help. That just made me think that I should look online for something for doctors with depression.
What is making me so anxious is that I need to decide on my future career plans in July. I have done been offered a position in private practice and expect a few more to be offered, but I do not want these jobs. Part of it is that I do not like the jobs, but right now a lot of it has to do with anxiety regarding being able to perform the job. I do not have the proper training and am afraid I will fail miserably. I am interested in the Metropolitan job b/c it is less demanding and I am not so afraid to fail in that area. Also, trying to be true to myself it affords me more opportunity to teach and serve my fellow man and also more free time to enjoy myself.
Even as I right this I feel a little better and that makes me think that I should do this more often. Also, I did not exercise yesterday or today and that too I think is making my depression worse. I need to speak to someone about this anonymously. Alice is great and she supports me 100%, but she is too close to me. I am afraid to tell my family or other friends. I do not feel alone, just hopeless and helpless.
I have to change now for another interview at Downtown Hospital.
At least I wrote something today....
What is making me so anxious is that I need to decide on my future career plans in July. I have done been offered a position in private practice and expect a few more to be offered, but I do not want these jobs. Part of it is that I do not like the jobs, but right now a lot of it has to do with anxiety regarding being able to perform the job. I do not have the proper training and am afraid I will fail miserably. I am interested in the Metropolitan job b/c it is less demanding and I am not so afraid to fail in that area. Also, trying to be true to myself it affords me more opportunity to teach and serve my fellow man and also more free time to enjoy myself.
Even as I right this I feel a little better and that makes me think that I should do this more often. Also, I did not exercise yesterday or today and that too I think is making my depression worse. I need to speak to someone about this anonymously. Alice is great and she supports me 100%, but she is too close to me. I am afraid to tell my family or other friends. I do not feel alone, just hopeless and helpless.
I have to change now for another interview at Downtown Hospital.
At least I wrote something today....
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home