February 6th, 2007

Several days since my last post. I am a little buzzed right now from some wine, but am feeling better. As usual I am pretty sure that I am suffering from severe depression, but have not seeked help. Alice pushes me to seek help, but b/c I am so embarassed I do nothing. I think about killing myself everyday. Today I checked out some websites about depression and suicide. I took a couple of online depression tests and all suggested I should seek help. It is weird, but whenever I make a post it makes me feel better.

Today I watched Garden State on DVR for like the tenth time. It is not a great film taken as a whole, but has some great moments. Definitely one of my top ten. It is hard just to live day by day. I have trouble dealing with the stress of everday life. Despite my depression I have received several job offers in cardiology. I have refused them all. Now I have placed all my hopes on an echo fellowship at Columbia. I am waiting for Dr. Lucariello to send a letter of reference. If they do not offer me a position I do not know what I will do. I should seek help, but I do not know who to speak to. I do not want the stigma of mental illness to become public or a part of my permanent record. This is a stupid reason not to seek help, but that is how I feel. It is difficult b/c I know that I will struggle with mental illness for my whole life. I am afraid that my brother also is suffering from the same thing. For some reason his suffering does not bother me. What bothers me more is the suffering of my parents. They love me so much and are so good to me. I do not want them to suffer or die. I know they feel their own mortality. They continue to provide me with unconditional love and support. I am one of the luckiest people in the world, yet I am severely depressed. Enough for now. Actually, just a bit more. I have had periods of feeling better and feel like I will "snap out of it" as Alice says. I think maybe it is related to the season. I hope I feel better.

I want to live...