June 29th

Hard to believe almost a year has gone by since I started working in Stamford. Both fast and slow. Seems like I have been living in Connecticut for a while now. At the same time I feel like I do not know CT and definitely do not consider it my home state. Wonder if I ever will. Seem to be talking too much about work in these posts.

Over the weekend went to Elmira and saw Grandpa. He is not very talkative or communicative. Still, it was good to see him. He is so smart. His memory is better than myself, or either of my parents right now. Still, he is so enigmatic. Is he happy? What keeps him going? Is he lonely? We are not that close and do not know each other that well. Is this really true or is it because I am American and he is Korean? Still, he is much closer to Samchon, Emo and their families.

Did a pilates video today and it made me feel great. 10 minutes of buns, thighs, arms, and abs. I feel so fat, but still cannot help myself from overeating. Doing yoga and pilates has shown me how bad my posture has become. Making my "core" stronger and improving my posture makes me feel better in general. It also makes me feel fat. I have gotten so used to hunching over to hide the gut as much as possible.

I want to do more than just watch T.V. but then am too weak to do anything. Today after work did exercise and that was good. Now just aimless surfing. I probably will watch "The Bachelorette," surf the TV and internet and go to bed. What am I doing? I can feel a midlife crisis coming.

Lately I really want to have a kid. I know that I was born to be a father. I wonder if this is a cop out. When you have a kid you can sacrifice and do everything for the kid. The kid gives your life purpose, but is this artificial. Still, I know that if I do not have any kids then I will definitely be unhappy and unfulfilled.

Mood: -5. Lately thinking about death and the reality of it and how it is unbelievable but inevitable.