August 12th

Feeling pretty good today. Have been doing a lot of Pilates with DVDs from Greenwich library. I usually do about 40 minutes after work and it helps so much to relieve stess and anxiety. It calms me down a lot, helps my sleep, and my mood.

Kind of stressed out about work. Not really that much but thinking about whether to stay with this practice or look around. Probably will stay because of inertia, but the better decision may be to leave. Even as I write this I think it makes sense to at least look around for other opportunities.

Also frustrated by my Dad and my brother. Dad has all the free time in the world, but just kind of sits around. He does not exercise. It is sad, but if he is not working, he does not feel useful. He cannot fill his time usefully when he is not working. My brother is in bad shape. He is off to Iraq in the fall. Naturally he is scared by the prospect of war and possible death. Also, he hates the army. Sadly I have limited sympathy because he made the decisions all on his own that brought him to this point.

When I criticize them I just turn the mirror on myself. I could read and WRITE everyday, but I don't. Work is tiring. By the end of the day I just want to come back home and eat a lot of whatever I want. At least lately I have the discipline to exercise first. I am legitimately tired, but I could still read a little or WRITE for at least 15 minutes.

Mood: 4

Somehow once I start writing my mood gets worse. It is almost like I have a defense mechanism to ignore how I really feel, but then when I start writing I cannot continue to deceive myself.

I want to write about work, but I am consciously trying not to do that.

Read a couple of novels by Ishiguro sp? A pale view of the hills and remains of the day. Both solid and particularly enjoyed Remains of the day. Now am struggling to find the next book. I have a book by John Updike, but I cannot get into it.

I am looking forward to the week off and my brother's visit. We will do lots of fun things and at the very least, eat a ton of good food.

I am working on and getting better at doing things that I want to and enjoying them.

For so long it was about denying myself things, doing what others wanted (that did give me an odd satisfaction) and doing things that I thought I should do or enjoy.

The simple example is eating at the restaurants that I want and ordering what I want. Before I would order something reasonably priced, but somehow would not just simply get what I want. Hard to explain.

Mood over the past few days has been better and anywhere from 4-6.