February 7th, 2007

Two days in a row. At least I am writing something. Again, a little buzzed. I am sure that I am in a state of severe depression, but continue to do nothing about it. It is painful. Almost unbearable. Again, thoughts of suicide, but no real plan to do anything. I am just so sick of feeling this bad. I just want to be better. It is amazing that I am still able to function at a minimal level at work. I definitely have trouble concentrating and learning. Things are better when I am doing things b/c I am distracted. When I have nothing to do I realize how bad I feel. Exercise makes me feel better. I have not exercised all week.

I have turned down several job offers and am awaiting an offer for an echo fellowship at Columbia. If this does not work out I do not know what I will do. If that comes through I am hoping with less stress and the coming of spring I will snap out of this. If things are not better by March then I will seek help. I have struggled with who to tell and I think Dr.Cassano or Dr.Vicic would be good options. The hard part is that I know what they are going to say. Try anti-depressants. If this Columbia echo fellowship comes through I will take another trial of Lexapro and see if that helps. I feel so awful. I feel hopeless. One day at at time...