September 4th

It has been a while since my last post. Over the past few weeks I have been happier than I have been in a while. Part of the reason for this has to do with more exercise and physical activity. I initially started with Yoga and have now moved on to Pilates. All work-outs are from DVDs. It has helped so much with my low back and "core" muscles. It also is great for stress release. I have also been running more (I feel like I may be developing early plantar fasciitis again). The latest is a pull up/chin up bar and I love that too. Just as depression and listlessness were self perpetuating, so exercise and positive energy seems to be the same way. When I exercise I feel more awake, alert, and happier. I sleep better. The trials and tribulations of daily life remain about the same but the difference in mood is striking. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not necessarily the details or the specifics of a particular day/week/month that determine my mood, but rather simply exercise.

Today for example I had a hard day at work and was mentally tired after work. Gorged myself at Q barbecue. I was feeling listless and blah. Then I did a short and simple work-out of pull-ups and chin-ups and push-ups. Now I feel alert, awake, invigorated, and am writing this post (the first in quite some time).

Mood: 4

I still do not seem to be able to get over the hump to 5 when I am forced to pick a number but definitely at times and moments over the past few weeks I have felt happy and content.

Whenever I write these posts it reminds of how little I am accomplishing that I personally value or see as personal development. Everything I do and spend energy doing has to do with daily living and it is not of any importance to me.

I always felt like there was infinite time, but now as I reach FORTY! I feel that time is not infinite. Still it is just a gentle nudge and no real sense of urgency.

What do I want to be doing? I do not know for sure, but definitely not what I am doing now. What is that? Working hard as a private practice cardiologist.

I do enjoy moments of my day, but overall it is NOT what I want to be doing. Maybe if there was more balance in my life, but right now work is too much of my life.

Alice is pregnant. It does not seem real at all. I am anxious for her to have her first OB visit. I am anxious to see a bit of a bulge in her belly. I cannot wait to tell my parents. They will be so happy. It will be a big change, but right now I cannot appreciate what it will mean.

I have learned to multitask too well. Recently I found that whenever I was doing something I was thinking about something else at the same time. I am doing it to some extent even as I write this post. An example is when I talk to colleagues or patients at work. As I listen I am formulating an answer and a plan/reaction to the conversation. Another example. As I make a phone call I am signing reports, checking email, logging on to the computer, etc.

Anyway, I am trying not to multitask. Focus on the task at hand. It has helped me a lot. So clique but I have such a short attention span.

Also I am discovering Zen, meditation, and breathing.

Again such a clique process of "discovery."

I am learning from books. I need a master. I need to make a commitment to something like that.

It is so simple but feels so true. Breathing. Focus on breathing and it calms, balances, and grounds you.

I want to read the previous post before posting a new one, but I have been lazy.

What do I want to accomplish in September? I will make a list and see if I can keep to it.

Things are getting better everyday. That makes my mood: 6.

I know the root of the problem was pot and it has taken this long to recover. What a waste of those years. Still I cannot deny how much I enjoy smoking pot. I have no self control. I was an addict, but I want to do it again so badly. If I could I would do it right now.